Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
