I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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