I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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