Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
