i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize