i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
