our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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