Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
