Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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