did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
