her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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