searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
