I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Randomize
