You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
