I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize