I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
