I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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