is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
