Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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