i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
