Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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