dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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