I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
