Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
