I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
