I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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