If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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