Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
