He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Idk if I want to put a bra on
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
