guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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