all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
