Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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