I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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