dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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