Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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