you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
