I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I need a burrito and a hug.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
