I accidentally had phone sex last night
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
