Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
