I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
