i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
