well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
