he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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