Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
This house was built for laser tag.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I fill condoms, not promises.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize