my sisters under your porch take her home
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
