Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
