I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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