I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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