Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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