he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Someone signed my nipple.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
