remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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