I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
