I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
