im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
