He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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