nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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