why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
