worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
