Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
