he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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