just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
