tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
