Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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