She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
