You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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