I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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