I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
