I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize