matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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