There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
